The phrase ‘holding space’ or ‘ holding the
space’ has been cropping up in my Facebook news
feed quite a bit lately.
In the most recent article, the
author defines holding space…”It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement [sic] and control.” (See post.) Beautiful.
I first heard the phrase ‘holding the space’ from my extraordinary coach. She encouraged me to ‘ hold the space’ for a subordinate who had filed an EEO complaint against me. When I was training to become a coach, the phrase became a guiding principle for all coach-client interactions. As a leadership and life coach, I commit to being unwaveringly present, accurately reflective and compassionately provocative so that my clients can meticulously unearth and step fully into their capabilities and desires. Being unwaveringly present, accurately reflective and viewing them with compassion, five-sixths of my commitment, is holding space for my client. I hold space willingly, with conscious intent in small, scheduled blocks of time. Can’t do it for too long. When holding space you and the other person are literally in sacred and, often, scary territory.
In everyday life, as a wife, mother, daughter and friend, I hold space for others and others hold space for me. Sometimes this holding seems ragged, haphazard. Other times there is elegance and precision to the outpouring of self. At all times the beauty and sanctity of bearing witness to and being borne by another’s loving consciousness is undeniable. But despite its beauty and hallowedness, holding space is LIMITED in its applicability to our professional and personal lives. There are at least three instances when one should do the opposite of holding space. These are the times to RELEASE.
- RELEASE WHEN YOU ARE IN DANGER
If you find yourself in peril while holding space for another, apply your judgment and RELEASE. Danger can take many faces – emotional, physical, financial, etc. When the emotions or circumstances of the one you are caring for trigger you or are beyond your capacity to witness and maintain your own
emotional equilibrium, you are in emotional danger. You must RELEASE. When your co-worker/friend
asks you to accompany her to confront a volatile, violent ex-husband, you are in physical danger. RELEASE. When your client can’t or won’t honor the payment terms of your contract, you are in financial danger. RELEASE.
- RELEASE WHEN THEY ARE IN DANGER
My husband’s 91-year-old mother recently came to live with us to recover from major surgery – All surgery is major when you are 91. Driving, cooking, volunteering, cleaning, partying; she did it all before she moved in with us. My husband was/is determined to hold space for her to be the vibrant, independent spirit she has always been. However, when she insists that she can vacuum two flights of stairs despite her post-surgical loss of strength and agility, he has to impact the outcome. He must RELEASE his desire to hold space for her independence, because she IS INADEQUATE for the task, she is in danger. He has to say NO. When danger looms for your beloved, RELEASE.
- RELEASE WHEN UNCONDITIONAL SUPPORT IS UNLOVING
Unconditional means not subject to any conditions; unlimited, unrestricted, unmitigated, unquestioning. We rarely even consider offering unlimited support to any but those closest to us. But even when supporting loved ones, we must watch for the inflection point where unquestioning support becomes unloving and hurts our beloved. For instance, what do you do when your favorite 30-year-old nephew has been evicted for the second time, doesn’t want to pay the three-month security deposit every potential landlord requires, and doesn’t want to move in with his parents? If your answer is to let him live in your basement rent-free until he can get on his feet – you’ve likely reached an unloving inflection point. RELEASE.
You are loved. All is well. You already have all the answers.
Venus
This is an extra ordinary thing. As you may know I am not familiar with the concept of your new career, that said, from the little bit of what I saw here, I would give you a lot of money to learn more about your life science courses. This is great.
Hello Cleve,
Thank you for the comments. I’d welcome the opportunity to discuss coaching with you. Please give me a call!
This requires a lot from both parties. I think it is a very noble concept and in both personal and professional settings it requires an openness that leaves you to being hurt. But I do think it is worth it because of potential for positive outcomes are unlimited.
Hello Aaron,
I agree with you on all counts. Both holding space and releasing require significant effort from both parties. There is risk involved. Vulnerability, empathy and trust have to be cultivated. But when we reach for these things in our personal and professional relationships(and professional relationships most certainly need these qualities), the upside is tremendous! Tnks for your comments.
Holding space for others in my professional life is something I believe I do every day. Some years ago my team worked an enduring task that was so “heavy” I required a constant flow of temporary augmentees to assist. After a time the augmentees came to be represented by those cast off by their home offices. The temporary augmentee state became on ongoing challenge. I held space with many of the augmentees who were pushed out of their home offices because there was no personal or professional investment made by the home office leadership. I walked alongside many, holding space, without judgment, allowing the augmentees to successfully establish their niche, realize their skills and value, and as a result thrive in a way they weren’t able to in their home office. As a leader I feel my holding space aides others in preparing and sustaining a vision for themselves, or have I totally mis-applied the concept? Venus – I think this is good source material for anyone claiming a leadership role professionally or personally. Thought provoking… BTW, Congratulations…
Hello Adrian,
Thank you for your comments. Your thoughtful post speaks to the complexity of holding space in one’s professional life. While leading augmentees in that mission-critical, ‘heavy’ task, you had to be attached to the outcome. Failure was not an option, so it could be argued that in the strictest sense of the term, you were not holding space. You were being a compassionate, effective leader. Your investment in and dedication to the professional growth and success of the individuals you lead speaks volumes.
Thoughts?
Venus
Venus has been my leadership coach for two years and she practices what she writes. She is a partner in accountability who walks with me through my challenges and changes while holding space for me. She is so ‘accurately reflective’ that it sometimes shocks me into a new realization and has helped me to move forward and accomplish new successes.
I am a very fortunate client!
Jim Wilson
Thank you Venus for this very thought-provoking article. I’ve used the term Unconditional Love as my personal value for quite a while, and I aim to live by that value and to Hold Space for others. Yet sometimes, these terms have their limits. Discernment is needed and you’ve helped me untangle my thoughts on this.
I will always love my kids ‘no matter what’ they do. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t set clear boundaries, for their sake and mine. I still do that now they are adults.
When I left a rather abusive partner, I said “I still love you as a friend”. I took responsibility for ‘condoning the abuse’, up until the time I learned to respect and love myself, and walk away. Afterwards, I kept communication lines open – I guess one could say I Held a Space for him, but I no longer stayed in that space in my old role. We are now good friends, with different lives and we respect each other.
So I feel that love can persist while boundaries are set for the well-being of all concerned. People can be honored where they are, and kept safe when necessary like your overly-ambitious mother-in-law.
We can make sure others own their own power and responsibilities – like the 30-year old evicted nephew. That is more loving than attempting a rescue mission!
So my love persists whatever the conditions, but my boundaries and saying “No” when necessary come along with that, because I love myself too.
Thanks again Venus!