Do My Eyes Deceive Me?
On Networking

Networking is the cultivation of productive relationships for employment or business purposes – Merriam Webster

Last month I attended a ‘networky’ function for businesses in my county. I say networky because of the approximately 75 people in the corridors and auditorium only a handful or so seemed interested in the ‘exchange’; sharing cards and brief descriptions of our business offerings to develop potential clients and get referrals. I think we all felt a little uncomfortable.

Last week I connected with several former colleagues and associates for the same reason – to discuss business opportunities. I initiated some of the contact, in other cases they reached out to me. We met in person, im’d on Facebook, and chatted and texted via cell phone. All the interactions felt pleasant, warm, and natural…not at all like the ‘networky’ function.

At its core, networking is the first step in connecting with another human for the sake of taking some action. It is the first step in creating relationship. Whether we are introducing our self to a potential new client, being assigned to a newly formed Red Team or joining a Parent-Teacher Committee, our first interaction with the individuals of the group will involve networking…and for many of us some degree of discomfort; ranging from mild to miserable.

But why do we find networking uncomfortable and potentially unpleasant when connecting is generally viewed as a pleasurable activity?

Our bodies may hold the key to our discomfort. We can certainly ‘network’ with people we know but more often, we are cultivating a new relationship with strangers. Because we lack history with these unknown people we are likely to gather as much, or more, meaning from their gestures and body language as we are from the stilted, superficial conversation of first meetings. And herein lies the problem.

When gathering meaning from body language, we make snap judgments of the type Malcolm Gladwell brilliantly detailed in Blink and his earlier work. Unfortunately, our quickly firing minds can often misinterpret what we are seeing. The compressed lips we notice in our new acquaintance may announce his nervousness. However, they also closely resemble our third grade teacher’s pursed-lipped disapproval of our pronunciation of wolves as a two-syllable word when we were reading aloud in class.

We see the furrowed brow of the keynote speaker as we approach her at the reception. Is this a signal of her social awkwardness or her dislike of our appearance? Because we enter these circumstances fearing that our personalities, business acumen, social status, intellect, creativity, and fill in the blank will be judged, we give these ambiguous gestures the worst possible interpretation. We feel we have been found lacking. Hence our discomfort.

Conversely, when we connect with someone we know, with whom we have a  history, we tend to interpret these same physical cues in a kinder, gentler light. The asymmetrical, upturned corner of the mouth that we might intuit as disdain in a stranger, we decode as a wry sense of humor in a business associate. We explain our colleague’s looking away while greeting us as a busy person making time to speak to us. In a stranger the same behavior is seen as rudeness. People we know receive not only the ‘benefit of the doubt’ but almost unconditional positive regard. People we don’t yet know…not so much.

Unconditional Positive Regard – accepting a person as having intrinsic merit regardless of their behavior at the moment.

Thankfully, networking has become easier with virtual meeting spaces like branded.me,  LinkedIn, and FounderDating. Yet many of us still find the first face to face encounter fraught. By remembering that our eyes may be deceiving us we can ease the awkwardness of first meetings. Seeing potential new business associates in the light of positive regard  fosters connection.

You are loved. All is well. You already have all the answers.

Venus